What It Is About You That Closes and Opens
by kwayland
Summary: Destiel fic with a plot based on the novel "The Paper Magician". Dean and Cas and Sam are on a hunt and encounter an Excisioner, someone with blood magic powers. She rips out Dean's heart and to recover it Cas must take a journey through that very same heart encountering Dean's fears, hopes, and best and worst memories. Also partly a love story to e.e. cummings from me. One Shot


*This story is pretty heavily base, on a novel, _The Paper Magician_, which had a perfect fan fiction sort of plot so I decided to utilize it. This story takes place sometime before the Mark of Cain debacle but after Dean and Cas got out of Purgatory. Cas' powers and abilities are slightly AU in order to accommodate the events. "somewhere i have never travelled" and "since feeling is first" belong to the great and sublime e.e. cummings.*

Dean and Sam and Cas were on a hunt together. Sam had found it in a newspaper a couple of days earlier. They had been driving most of the day and the night for a couple of sundowns and finally arrived in Oregon where a strange murder had taken place. There had been an extreme loss of blood, blood that had disappeared, and the general consensus was that a vampire was involved. There had, however, been no indication of bite marks or an animal attack cover up. That's why Dean had insisted Cas come along. Sam, and especially Dean, were not entirely confident it was something they had seen before. And Cas was a good person to have around when things were particularly dangerous with all his healing juice, as Dean called it, and his ability to smite things quickly.

Dean was driving. He pulled into a motel and everyone piled out of the car. Dean approached the service desk, rested his right hand down on the table and leaned in conspiratorially. "Room for three?"

"We've only got rooms with two beds, man. I can definitely get you queens, though. Sound okay?" the guy working the desk said. Dean grimaced, partially because of the hideous red vest the employees were expected to wear and partially because of the news. He glanced over at Sam who shrugged.

"Two rooms then? One of them only needs a single bed."

"I can do that too. Want them right beside each other?"

"Sure," Sam replied, taking over. "Thanks." Dean glared at Sam for interrupting his conversation and handed over one of his more recent credit cards under the name of Bruce Stark. Sam rolled his eyes when he saw it and Dean winked at him. He then noticed that Cas wasn't standing next to Sam and his eyes scanned the foyer for a sign of Cas, his heart rate picked up slightly, but then he saw him next to an aquarium in the far corner, watching the fish swim. He shook his head lightly, grinning to himself, and returned to his business.

Once they had the room keys in hand, Dean strolled over to Cas and stood beside him and observed him watching the fish. Frankly, Dean couldn't understand why they were fascinating in the slightest but Cas was entranced.

"Uh, Cas?" he said after clearing his throat loudly.

"Dean."

"Yeah, hi, we've got our rooms. I can leave you here to watch the fish if you want but do you want your room key?"

Cas pulled his face away from the tank and held out his palm. Dean dropped the keys and listened to the faint clanking of the metal as it shattered into Cas' hand. Cas followed him out and Dean found Sam already standing by the door to their room. Dean threw the keys to him so that Sam could put his bags down instead of waiting for them to get there. Dean and Cas split ways at their respective doors but not for long because Cas was knocking on their door seconds later and Dean let him in.

"You could've just come in, you know," he said as Cas stepped in. Those piercing blue eyes just stared into his and he whispered, "Or not…"

"So what do we know, Sam?" Cas asked, suddenly in business mode. Business mode was one of Sam's favorite modes so he automatically slipped into it joining Cas in the relation of information and the plan for the next day but Dean decided to pull out a six pack of beer from a plastic bag and crack one open, settling down on his bed. He shut his eyes, exhausted from all the non stop driving, and listened absentmindedly to the chattering voices of Sam and Cas, the most familiar voices in the world. He set his beer bottle on the bed side table and faded in and out of attention until he was asleep.

Dean woke the next morning to Sam shaking him awake. He didn't even need to ask what was happening, figuring it had something to do with the case, and slipped reluctantly out of bed. That was the most sleep he'd gotten in a long time. Cas was already in the room and he handed Dean a doughnut.

"Thanks," Dean choked out around a mouthful of doughnut.

"Sure." He smiled at Dean and Dean smiled back. Sam watched them for a couple of seconds than mentally rolled his eyes, saying some random observation about the weather outside to shake them out of their stupor. Neither of them had clearly heard a word he said and it made Sam wonder when the hell they'd realize that it might mean something that they hadn't heard a word.

"So what's the plan?" Dean asked.

"You know, if you'd managed to stay awake last night and actually participate in the conversation we were having…"

"Stop being prickly, Sammy. Just give me the quick rundown."

"Well the murder has been cold for a couple of days, so I figure a stop by the morgue would be the first order of business and then we can go from there."

"So there wasn't a plan," Dean declared, "I figured."

Sam glared and Cas looked as though he was trying to remember how to laugh. "You know, if there ever is a plan and you don't know it, you could end up dead. I know you think you're invincible and that we're so good at our job, or whatever, but it's still really dangerous Dean."

"I know, I know," he said, mostly to placate Sam. "Let's go say hello to the body then."

"Her name is Patricia," Sam said.

"She's dead, man. Don't get all morally uptight on me over a dead person. Is Cas coming?"

"Yeah," Sam sighed. They all piled back into the car, Sam still somehow getting shotgun over Cas every time, and they drove to the local morgue, the trees whooshing by in a blur of green.

` Cas was the first one to declare that it wasn't a vampire attack. They had all known it right away but he'd wanted to make sure he'd said it first just so he could grin back and forth between the two and accept any appraisals they might offer.

"Cas is right," Sam said. Cas grew even taller and glanced at Dean who offered him the tiniest of smiles just because he thought Cas was being completely ridiculous and it was kind of adorable. He then bent down to the body and examined it.

"It looks like a normal murder," Dean whispered, "Her throat and wrists are slit."

"Where did all the blood go then?" Sam asked. "There was no trace of blood besides some splatters at the crime scene. There should've been very large stains."

"I don't know," Dean whispered. "Have you seen anything like this before, Cas?"

"Maybe," Cas said slowly. "I thought they were all dead though. Hunters tracked them all down a long time ago."

"What?" Dean asked seriously, gazing intently into Cas' eyes, trying to get him to speak, to tell him the whole story.

"Have either of you ever heard of Excisioners?"

Dean shook his head quickly wanting Cas to get on with it but Sam nodded slightly, "I think so," he said. "It's kind of like blood magic, right?"

"I guess," Cas said, "I don't know for sure what that is. But they're a group of people similar to witches who use blood and flesh to give themselves power. This death is likely nothing but a restocking of stores. He or she probably ran out of blood and wanted to get more so they could bottle it up and carry it around with them for whenever they need it. They can do terrible, terrible things. We should be very careful. I don't think we really want to get mixed up in this."

"Course we do," Dean said, "They've been killing people. That is exactly what we get involved in."

Sam and Cas glanced at each other and Cas sighed deeply at Dean, begging him to think about what he was doing. "Dean you could die. And there won't be a whole lot that you can do about it. It's not entirely like witches. They don't need to plant something on you or have a poultice ready. All they need is blood and they can do anything to you."

"Why worry about it now?" Dean said, "It's not like we have any idea how to find them right now. We'll get concerned with the plan once we have some idea of where they are."

"I'm saying that if they know we're trying to find them they'll likely find us first, Dean! We need to leave."

"We don't back down."

Cas turned, shutting his eyes in irritation, and Sam just shrugged at him. "Technically Dean is right, Cas. We risk our lives all the time. This isn't all that different."

"I'm saying it is."

"I can't stop Dean."

"I know. Neither can I apparently," Cas said, glaring at Dean. "Why don't you ever listen to me?"

Dean half-smiled, "You worry too much. I'm Dean Winchester, baby!"

Cas looked as though he was going to say something but thought better of it. "Fine, whatever," he growled. "You two go get yourselves killed, but I'm not involved. Call me if you need me. Or don't…see what I care."

"Where are you going?"

"Somewhere where people actually listen to me."

"Where's that?" Dean teased.

"I swear on my father, Dean Winchester, if you don't shut up I will kill you. I'll probably be in a diner if you must know."

Dean was laughing as Cas left and Sam appeared slightly worried. "He might have been serious, you know."

"Nah. It's Cas, man."

"Love and hate are a lot closer than you think," Sam murmured.

"Huh?" Dean asked.

"Nothing. Let's go find this Excisioner."

"Eyewitnesses?"

"Can't hurt to try."

Sam and Dean left the morgue and drove the Impala to the police station to ask some questions of the officers working the case and then to go talk to what people they could.

They were exiting the car to meet up with their first eyewitness after talking to the police, when Dean paused in the middle of the street.

"What?" Sam asked.

"The hairs on the back of my neck are standing up. Someone is watching us." He slowly reached down and rested his hand on the handle of his pistol and the other on a knife in his coat pocket and then started walking to the door of the eyewitness as calmly as possible. Sam followed suit but he leaned down to Dean's ear and whispered, "Do you think Cas was more right than we thought?"

"Maybe."

"I'm calling him."

"Sam, don't bug him. We'll be fine."

"Shut up, Dean."

"I wish people would stop telling me that," he growled, but waved his hand telling Sam to do whatever he wanted. He waited to knock on the door so Sam could finish up his phone conversation first.

"Cas, hey, we're on Stevens street. 189. Dean thinks there's someone watching us. Could you come?" There was a pause. "What? Oh, Cas, come on. He didn't actually…fine…okay thanks, see you soon."

"He's coming?"

"Grudgingly."

"That's fine. We don't need him."

"Please don't tell him that when he gets here, Dean."

Dean raised his hand to knock on the door when he heard a whoosh of air behind him. He swiveled and saw a woman standing there. The breath left Dean. She was a total knockout. Dark red lips, a deep purple dress that showed off long legs, and black strap heels. At first Dean thought she must be the eyewitness that they'd been looking for and they'd just gotten extremely lucky until his saw little vials of what looked like blood hanging from a black leather belt around her waist and another vial on a necklace around her neck. It was the Excisioner. She noticed him looking and smiled coyly before stepping forward. Both the Winchesters took a step back, feeling the power emanating from her and she raised her eyebrows and hands innocently.

"I just wanted to ask you something," she said sweetly. Dean thought it was a lot like that toad lady from the Harry Potter books, though. It wasn't nearly as pleasant as it should've been.

"What can we do for you?" Sam asked. Dean glared at him for even attempting to be polite and Sam whispered urgently in his ear, "You know, maybe if we're polite, she won't fucking murder us!"

"Why are you looking for me? You're not the police. So…who are you?"

"I'm Sam and this is Dean."

At that her eyebrows raised up into her hairline. "Oh…the Winchesters. How'd I ever get so lucky?"  
"I'm beginning to think it's not a good thing we're so good at our job," Dean murmured.

"Me too."

"Oh, boys, please include me in the fun."

"Nothing fun going on here," Dean laughed half-heartedly.

"What am I going to do with you? I can't have you coming after me, see. Even though I doubt you could kill me, you could mess up my plans. I have a very big fish to fry. I'll need all the blood I can get. In fact, that's what I'll do with you…your blood will come in handy. It's too bad, though, that everyone's blood ends up being the same no matter who it comes from. I could use your guys' intelligence and strength and general badassness. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way."

"She just called us badass," Dean grinned.

"Did you hear the part where she said she was going to kill us?"

"Well, yeah…I'm kind of pretending that didn't happen."

"You're cute," she whispered, approaching Dean. She ran a finger down his cheek, grating his stubble, "Almost not worth the trouble. Almost." Then she paused, her finger just underneath his chin. "Hmm…I think I've changed my mind. I could use your heart even more."

Dean smiled, not sure what that meant but glad she'd changed her mind from earlier, but Sam wished with all his might that Cas would arrive right about now. He pulled out his knife as subtly as possible, worried she might harm Dean, and made himself ready to attack at the first sign of trouble. She smiled back at Dean and worked her fingernail down in spirals and swirls across his chest until it was just over her heart. Sam didn't like where her finger was placed considering her comment and swished his knife down hastily, aiming straight for her chest. She hadn't seen it coming and Sam felt his knife connect with her flesh just below her heart.

She howled in pain, retreating from Dean, and knelt down on the pavement. Dean nodded at his brother and they moved to grab her legs and arms to move her somewhere more private while she died but then she did something strange just as the brothers had their hands in the correct places. She wrenched one of her arms out of Sam's grasp and cracked a vial of blood against her chest where the wound had been. The blood didn't drip down her dress. Instead it seeped into the fabric and into her chest. Sam glanced between the small rip in the fabric and noticed the deep slit was healing and puckering into a scar.

"Dean, back up!"

Sam dropped her arms and ran over to Dean in the mindset of pulling him away and getting both of them as far away as possible, but nobody was prepared for her swiveling around knocking Dean's legs out from underneath him. Sam was suddenly shoved to the side by a tendril of blood that had come from her vial and he saw her sitting on top of Dean her head down near his chest. Sam could barely see, until she was sitting up, and Dean was lying absolutely still underneath her, his chest a gaping hole where his heart had been. Sam didn't know exactly what he was shouting. All he knew was that he was. She grinned at him as she inhaled the heart she held in her hand, which she slipped into her purse.

Sam didn't know what to do. She was walking away as though she'd just left the house after a nice breakfast with the owner because she knew Sam wouldn't chase her. Instead, he knelt beside his brother, staring at his bloody chest, and trying to keep his tears from falling on Dean's shirt. "Dean, Dean, stay with me, Dean…" he blubbered quietly.

Then Cas was there. He was kneeling down across from Sam. He placed a hand on Dean's chest and patched up the hole as best he could. It slowly got smaller until it was barely visible and Sam looked at him with watery eyes.

"Is he going to be okay?" The despair in his eyes hurt. Cas wasn't often around when a Winchester brother died or was in mortal peril. And he never wanted to be again.

"I did what I could. I placed a faint memory of a heart in his chest and it should keep him alive for a day at most. We need to get his actual heart back. I think I can get it back in his chest. Did she take it with her?"

Sam nodded. "Are you okay, Cas?"

"Don't worry about me. I need you to get Dean somewhere safe and comfortable and I need you to text me if his breathing starts getting faint and shallow."

"He's breathing? Oh my god, he is." There was hope in his voice and Cas wanted to tell him the truth suddenly. The chances of his plan working. The chances that Dean was going to be okay.

"Yes, Sam. He's alive. I arrived just in time. A couple more seconds and there would've been nothing I could've done. But he isn't going to wake up and don't try to do it yourself. It'll make it worse."

"What are you going to do?" Sam choked out in between crippling waves of emotion.

"I'm going after her. I'm going to get his heart back."

"She'll kill you, too," Sam sobbed in resignation.

"I promise you that you won't be alone at the end of the day. I know what to do."

"You're full of so much bullshit."

Cas smiled half-heartedly. His eyes were glistening and Sam started to understand the pain he was in. Cas couldn't let Dean die. There was no stopping him.

"Perhaps," he whispered, "Perhaps I am. Get him somewhere safe. Text me the address when you do. I'll be there soon."

"Cas? Be careful."

"You do know it doesn't matter what happens to me, right?" he said to Sam, turning back to him.

Sam nodded. "Yeah. I know you think so. Dean won't. I don't."

"Go. Somewhere safe. Now." Then Cas turned and ran down the street in the direction she had walked. Sam stared at the place he'd just vacated and wondered how he was going to find her, let alone wrench that heart away from her. It was hopeless. He was grateful that Cas was trying and had tried to convince him that it was all going to be okay, though.

The trail was not hard to follow. Cas hadn't expected it to be. She'd probably wanted the hearts of both the Winchesters, but wanted to play with one of them first. It was sickening but it made his job easier. There were little drops of blood everywhere, likely from the heart. As anticipated, the drops of blood led him all over the place until they finally led to a spot in the street where they disappeared. She must have gotten in a car. Maybe he'd been wrong. Maybe she hadn't wanted to be found again. She must've needed to be somewhere. Cas swore and crouched down, thinking hard of any place nearby someone might go or what possibly an Excisioner had to do in a small town like this.

"Hmm…not who I expected. Who are you?"

Cas looked up from where he was squatting and saw a young woman, her purse wet with blood. He stood, meeting her eyes, and said, "Can I please have that heart back?"

She laughed. "What difference does it make? He's dead. There isn't anything you can do. And you didn't tell me who you are…seems a little rude."

"Hi. I'm Castiel, an angel of the Lord, and I'd really like to have that heart back. I know how to end you and I'm more than happy to oblige."

Cas was happy to see the brief flash of fear in her eyes, but she recovered quickly. Quicker than he would've liked. He saw reach for a vial of blood around her waist and he shot forward placing a hand on her forehead and his other hand within her purse where he gripped Dean's heart. It was still faintly beating. _She must need it to be beating_ he thought. There was no other reason she would've wasted magical energy to keep something alive that shouldn't be. He felt her hand grip the heart as well and then their two forces were battling each other until suddenly everything went black and Cas woke up and saw Dean's face. Dean's very alive and freckled face laughing at something Sam was saying.

Cas couldn't see how it was possible. He stood shakily, wiping his hands on his coat pockets and glanced around the room for the Excisioner. He couldn't find her, but while he was doing so, he noticed that he was in Bobby's house. This wasn't reality or the present. Then Cas smiled because he watched himself walk into the kitchen from the study. It was a memory. He remembered it clearly.

"Now they're all mine!" Dean yelled with an attempt at overzealous gusto. He'd just finished licking, rather provocatively if you asked Cas, the rims of all of the beer bottles. Dean had popped all of the lids off just so he could do so. "And I'm going to have to drink them all because they're all open."

"Jesus, Dean, this was a point you didn't need to make," Sam growled. "I was just giving some friendly advice."

"So maybe I drink too much," Dean shrugged, "And I'm okay with that."

"Well at least give me a beer, too. You're unbearable when you're actually drunk."

"Does that mean you have to be drunk with me, Sammy?"

"Yes. Now hand one over."

"But I just licked all of them," Dean smiled teasingly.

"Oh for fuck's sake!" Sam said and snatched the beer from Dean's hand. Dean faked an appalled expression before slamming his hand into Sam's shoulder and smiling. Then he turned to Old-Cas and offered him one as well without a word.

"Would you three shut up in there! Someone is actually trying to do work!" Bobby yelled from the study. Dean and Sam cracked up and Old-Cas even managed a small laugh, although Cas remembered that he was thinking at the time they should all be helping Bobby. Satan had been a very real problem, after all.

Dean chugged a beer in less than a minute and raised his hands in the air, whooping. Sam rolled his eyes, probably thinking that he didn't need to go back to this part of college, and Cas was confused why Dean was treating it as such an accomplishment. He followed suit and downed it in even less time than Dean and gave him a quizzical look.

Dean smiled and slapped his back. "Impressive, Cas. Your turn, Sammy."

Sam looked as though he was going to complain and fight back but the resolve left his eyes and he downed his entire bottle as well. Dean whooped again. Cas paused at the strange noise and then tentatively did the same. Dean glanced over at him and whooped again. "You need a little more excitement behind it, man. A little gusto and flourish."

Cas tried the bizarre celebration again. Dean burst out laughing. "You fucking suck at that, Cas." The Cas watching the memory unfold before him smiled half-heartedly. He really needed to figure out what was happening so he could have Dean back but reliving these moments was so much greater than he could've ever imagined. He might not know what was happening or where he was or how this was happening but he was happy. Very happy. Because this had been one of the better days of his life. They'd proceeded to all get completely wasted together, although Cas was more just tipsy, and Dean and Sam told stories of their past together and rather hilariously.

Cas was about to return his attention to the conversation before him when he saw in the window of the back door of Bobby's house the Excisioner. She'd followed him here as he'd suspected. They were both stuck wherever they were. It must've been a reaction to their powers colliding. She opened the door and made straight for Cas. He backed up into the table, which went right through him and then crashed through the house, running as fast as he could. He wasn't sure what would happen if she caught up but it wouldn't be good. He was more distracted than he would've liked at the moment. He ran straight at the wall at the back of the study, going straight through Bobby, who didn't notice in the slightest, and prayed he wouldn't crash into it. As he assumed, he didn't, and passed through it and into another memory. He was sitting in a chair in the bunker and Dean was sitting on the other side of the table watching him. This hadn't been all that long ago. He hadn't known Dean was staring at him that intensely. Cas hoped and prayed the Excisioner wouldn't come interfere in this memory, chasing him out. This was one of his all time personal favorites. Maybe he was in a place that relayed the greatest hits of his long life to him? But then, if it was coming from him, how would it be able to capture that gaze? The one coming from Dean that was practically burning through Cas' body and burrowing into his soul. Dean rarely looked at him like that. Then Cas realized maybe it was more often than he thought but just when he wasn't paying attention.

Dean was reading up on the lives of the Men of Letters, or had been before he'd started watching Cas, and Old-Cas was reading a collection of e.e. cumming's poems that Sam had given to him, thinking he might be interested. He'd just finished a poem when he'd flicked his eyes back up to Dean's who expertly shifted his attention back to his book just in time. Dean had definitely had practice at that. Old-Cas didn't shift his attention. It was how he got across he wanted to talk. It was still how Cas interacted with Dean now.

"What's up, Cas?"

"Does Sam like these poems?"

"I don't know," Dean shrugged, "We don't talk about poetry. But probably. He seems like the sort."

"Hmm."

"Why?"

"I don't understand them," Cas sighed, "At all. Not a single one. They've got funny punctuation and strange word pairings and odd metaphors. I'm sure they make sense to somebody but…"

Dean stood and wrenched the book from Cas' hands. He flicked his eyes over the poem Cas was on and then settled back in his chair, mouthing the title. "Well I can't help you, although…poems are supposed to be read aloud right?"

Cas shrugged and asked for his book back but Dean ignored him and started reading the poem out loud:

_somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond_

_ any experience, your eyes have their silence:_

_ in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,_

Dean took a longer than normal pause there and inhaled sharply. He kept his eyes down on the page.

_or which i cannot touch because they are too near_

_ your slightest look easily will unclose me_

_ though i have closed myself as fingers,_

_ you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens_

_ (touching skilfullly, mysteriously) her first rose_

Dean's eyes met Cas' at the end of that stanza. Cas remembered it being nearly impossible to avert his eyes, even once they'd been staring at each other for a length of time that was simply ridiculous. Cas had been imagining what it would be like to be touched like that. He'd been wondering how this poem hadn't made any sense before because when Dean read it, it made the most sense in the world. Then Dean continued, his voice shaking slightly.

_or if your wish be to close me, i and_

_ my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,_

_ as when the heart of this flower imagines_

_ the snow carefully everywhere descending;_

_ nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals_

_ the power of your intense fragility: whose texture_

_ compels me with the color of its countries,_

_ rendering death and forever with each breathing_

_ (i do not know what it is about you that closes_

_ and opens; only something in me understands_

_ the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)_

_ nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands_

Both Cas and Dean gasped lightly at the end and Dean flipped through the pages and started reading another poem without being asked. Present-Cas was caught up in the words again, just as he had been, and would've gotten down on his knees to beg Dean to read more. He hadn't noticed in the moment, but now, as he was an observer, there was tension in the room. And not the bad kind. The kind that reassured Present-Cas that he was in fact as in love with Dean as he thought he was. He shook his head. He wasn't admitting that to himself anymore. He was making those feelings disappear.

_since feeling is first_

_ who pays any attention_

_ to the syntax of things_

_ will never wholly kiss you;_

_ wholly to be a fool_

_ while Spring is in the world_

_ my blood approves,_

_ and kisses are better fate _

_ than wisdom_

_ lady i swear by all flowers. Don__'__t cry_

_ —__the best gesture of my brain is less than_

_ your eyelids__' __flutter which says_

_ we are for each other: then_

Cas noticed the tension picked up exponentially at those words. Old-Cas' eyes were boring into Dean and he was leaning forward in his chair. His mouth was slightly agape as though the words were so important he had to ingest them as well as hear them.

_laugh, leaning back in my arms_

_ for life__'s not a paragraph_

_ And death i think is no parenthesis_

Dean forced a laugh, shattering what had been coursing between them, and shook his head mockingly. "Fuck poetry, man. I don't know how Sam reads this shit. Still makes no sense to me."

Old-Cas just continued to gaze at him. They both knew, and they knew that they both knew, that Dean was lying. That it was maybe the biggest lie Dean had ever told. Then Old-Cas tore his eyes away and looking down at his feet and murmured, "Yeah. Me neither."

Then Present-Cas was torn from the scene and shoved by some invisible force back through a wall of the bunker into a new memory.

They were in a place Cas had never seen before. Which meant that these memories really had nothing to do with him. Dean and Sam came running into the scene and they were much younger than Cas had ever seen them. They had guns in their hands and they were gesturing to each other silently. They were hunting.

It all happened very quickly but the brothers were seamless. It was as much of a team as Cas had ever seen them. Sam had distracted a vampire that they were hunting and it was coming at Sam teeth bared, and Dean reached behind and gripped the vampire's arms behind him, making the vampire's head free. The trust there that Sam could behead the creature before it would turn and attack Dean was incredible. Cas wasn't sure that was a trust they had now. Sam only had seconds but he got the aim just right, avoided the flailing legs of the vampire, and chopped the head clean off. Blood spattered up into Dean's face and he stepped back letting the body fall before it started seeping all over his clothes.

"You know what, Sammy," Dean said, "I believe that is the most in sync and the best hunting we've ever done."

"Sure as hell felt like it."

"Someone should've filmed it."

"Dean…"

"I know, I know," Dean laughed. He strung an arm around his brother's shoulder and lead him out to the Impala. Cas followed and the brothers lifted themselves on to the hood of the car where they'd left a cooler and Dean pulled out two beers, handing one to Sam. They clinked bottles and smiled at each other calmly before they took swigs. They didn't say anything. They just watched the sky as it darkened and drank their beer slowly. Cas couldn't help it as a smile crept onto his face. It quickly dissipated, however, when the Excisioner made an appearance again. Cas sprinted away but she was much closer this time than she had been last time and she reached out for his shoulder, pulling him to the ground. They tousled for a second as he tried to keep her hands away from her belt. She still managed to reach one and was sending out a tendril to do god knows what to Cas. He wrenched away as forcefully as he could manage, barely ducking a tendril of blood that could've done untold damage, stood, and then kicked her hard in the stomach while she was still down. He placed a shoe across her neck, pressing down, and murmured darkly, "Where the hell are we?"

"I don't know," she gasped.

He pressed down harder.

"I have a guess."

"And that is?" He noticed her hand was creeping down to her belt and he stomped on it before moving his foot back to her neck. She screamed out and glared at him. "Your precious boyfriend's heart. That's my guess."

"In his…what?"

"You heard me."

He removed his foot and then sprinted away. She'd recover quickly and he didn't want to be there when she did. Dean's heart? Those memories were definitely Dean's then. But what did they mean? He passed through a wall and found himself in a fleshy, hot place. There was no memory here and he nodded at the pink, faintly pulsing walls around him. This had to be a heart. She wasn't wrong. He was in a chamber of the heart. Probably the first one. That would make some sense. Maybe the way to make it out of this unfortunate position was to go through all the chambers of the heart. Maybe if he made it to the end he would be free. Free to go save Dean.

He began shoving through the tough tendrils into the second chamber of the heart. He felt like he was suffocating much of the journey but he finally got through, covered in blood, but safe and with the Excisioner nowhere in sight. He was in a new memory as he peered around. It was another place he hadn't been and it was dark and desolate. He crept around until he found Dean on the ground holding Sam in his arms, sobbing. These weren't happy memories. That much was apparent.

Then he was in a new place. A place he remembered well. The angels had made Dean stay here so that he wouldn't interrupt their plans. The plans they had with Sam. This is where he released Dean and changed the course of his future forever and all because he was beginning to feel. Something that hadn't ever happened to him before in thousands of years. Dean was leaving Sam a message, knowing full well it probably wouldn't make a difference. He was banging on walls. He was flinging things around the room. Present-Cas gazed at him in pain. He'd watched this and it wasn't any easier than it had been the first time.

The scene shifted. Cas was exploding. Into millions of fleshy pieces. Bobby's neck being broken. Dean gazing into the face of his brother that was no longer his brother but Lucifer. Present-Cas averted his eyes. He couldn't watch. If this was supposed to be Dean's worst memories he already knew them and had no interest in being a part of them all over again. Then Sam jumped into the pit and Dean had lost everything that had mattered to him in the whole world.

The scene shifted once again. Dean watching the struggle his brother was going through to get rid of Lucifer.

Another shift. This time it was Cas. Cas betraying the Winchesters.

Flash. Cas walking into the lake. Dean folding up his jacket.

Flash. Cas not knowing who Dean was. The pain in Dean's eyes was unbearable.

Flash. Cas letting go of his hand in purgatory.

Then Cas was kicked out into the fleshy second chamber of Dean's heart. Cas hadn't realized while he was in there, but he was crying. Sobbing, actually. Uncontrollably. While it was all happening in it's own time it was still painful, but when all of the horrible things Dean had been put through in his life was in a sort of montage, it was the most heart wrenching thing Cas had ever seen. And so much of it had been his fault. He'd caused all that pain and Dean was the last person on earth he'd ever wanted to hurt. Dean was the one that had showed him what being human meant, what that meant to the world, and what humans were capable of. Dean showed him how to live and love and he'd done all of those things to him.

He wasn't ever going to hurt him again.

If only that was a guarantee.

Never again.

He got up with some struggle and wiped what tears away he could. He stumbled wearily into the next chamber of the heart and hoped the next set of memories was less painful. Right when the vision started, however, he knew it wasn't a memory. It was too vague and unshaped.

Cas was standing in a very suburban looking house with sparse furniture and Dean was standing at the window, staring out at the sunset. Then the door opened behind Cas and he was walking through the door. This Cas sunk down onto a barstool and groaned something about something and Dean walked over stringing an arm around his shoulders and leaning his forehead against Cas' temple. Present-Cas couldn't tell if it was meant to be a romantic gesture or not and before he could ponder it or see where the scene progressed he was kicked out. It was a different force this time. One that left him smelling Dean.

He was in a room in the bunker and the brothers were drinking beer. They were telling each other stories and memories from the past. They looked slightly older but they weren't fighting and there was no tension. They were happy like they'd been in the past. There was no ulterior motive to their conversation, no hiding emotions in the back of their eyes, no lies. They were best friends now but this was something different. They actually deserved to be best friends.

The scene shifted again and Cas was watching another montage of images. These weren't fully formed; they were more like feelings that seeped through Cas, letting him know exactly what Dean was thinking. Dean wanted to go through school. He wanted to play baseball and not worry about anything but playing the game. He wanted a child; one that he could raise well. He wanted the fight to be over. But at the same time he wanted to go down fighting; dying in a bright blaze of glory. The feelings started to conflict and Cas got himself out before he got into deep and felt like he was invading on something that he really shouldn't be invading in. He was back in the flesh of the heart. He only had one chamber left and he finally understood what was happening. Each chamber held something different. He supposed the first chamber had held his favorite memories, the second his worst, the third his hopes…which only meant the fourth would probably hold his fears. Cas wasn't sure he wanted to go there but as far as he could tell there was no other way out. He thought back on his journey so far and smiled gently to himself. There was no stopping it, not once he started thinking about Dean's favorite memories and how he'd starred in one of them. Was it possible? Could it be possible…but no of course not. Cas sighed and rolled his eyes at his own presumptuousness. _Don__'__t go getting your hopes up, Castiel, you dumbass_.

He fought his way through the walls into the fourth chamber and shut his eyes tight hoping he could avoid looking at anything here. But right when he heard noises he couldn't help his curiosity. A version of himself was lying very dead on the ground. Sam was right beside him, also dead. And Dean was left there to stare, all hope and soul gone. Cas couldn't bear the expression on his face. As though everything had left and he was just a body with a brain that barely functioned. There was no flash of Dean in the eyes or in the way he walked. He was destroyed.

Then there was a feeling of intense fear as darkness encroached on Castiel's eyesight and he knew this was supposed to be imitating death. Dean was terrified of dying; something that slightly surprised Cas. Especially because of the way he treated it so flippantly. Cas was beginning to realize if Dean was being flippant he was doing it because it mattered more than anything else in the world but he would never ever let you know. _No more flippancy, _Cas thought, _We__'__re going to sit down and talk about it when he does._ Then he laughed at himself. Dean sitting down and talking? And then he was laughing harder than he had in a long time. At least until the scene shifted again and he found Dean lying on his bed in the bunker, alone, and sad. Truly sad. And he wasn't hiding it in the slightest. Cas knew, because the sadness and fear was so poorly disguised, that this was a fear Dean had hardly ever looked at himself. It wasn't something he ever thought about. Or at least something he tried very hard not to think about it. It was too raw of an emotion.

Then Dean stood and began pacing around the room, running his hands through his hair. He was muttering and Cas leaned in closer, following him around the room, so that he could hear.

"What the fuck was I thinking? That came out of fucking nowhere! I wasn't ever going to do that. Shouldn't have done that. Jesus fucking christ. Now he'll never show his face here again. I've officially scared my best friend away forever. I should be given a fucking medal for screwing up my life so royally. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck."

Cas retreated then, figuring Dean was about to fall into a speech of inane babble that involved many interspersed swear words.

Then Dean shouted, "No! No. I did the right thing! I manned up. And he's just an asshole for not seeing it. Seeing us. Asshole." Then he paused and said much quieter, "No, he's not. He just doesn't feel the same way." Then he returned to his bed and stared at the ceiling. He looked truly pathetic.

"Dean?" Present-Cas whispered. He didn't really expect him to be able to hear but he had a feeling this was something he could fix if only Dean listened. There was no indication he was but Cas remembered being kicked out of a memory by something that felt very much like Dean. Part of him was here and this was a fear he could get rid of. "Dean," Cas said, "You're being stupid. You're…" Cas stopped, breathing hard. His heart was racing a lot faster than normal and he couldn't seem to control his thoughts. They were flying in every which direction and they were all about Dean. They were all his hopes, fears, images, and memories of Dean soaring in and out of consciousness. His brain would pause on some images and he thought back to what he'd seen of Dean's own heart, something that no one could trick, and realized something maybe he'd known all along and pretended he hadn't for his own reasons. Or maybe he'd convinced himself it was ridiculous just so he wouldn't ever have to say anything to Dean. Something he was just as terrified of as apparently Dean was.

"…You're in love with me, aren't you?"

There was silence but Cas was sure. "I…" And then Cas smiled. Larger than he'd ever smiled in his life. He felt like his cheekbones were going to crack and his mouth was going to fall off his face he was smiling so much. Then he whispered, "Stop being an idiot, Dean. You're here too. We've seen the same things. How do you think I feel about you, asshat?"

Dean's heart convulsed around him and then Cas was back in open air on the street where he'd confronted the Excisioner. He had Dean's heart in his hand, still beating very faintly, and the Excisioner was flung halfway across the street. She was coming back to this world and Cas turned to face her. He could do this. He pulled out his angel blade and walked towards her confidently. She was definitely scared this time. She grasped a vial of blood and sent out tendrils but Cas cut them all as they got close with his blade and kept making his way towards her. She was scrabbling backwards and Cas said, "You saw all of that too, didn't you? Are you beginning to understand you can't win this? Because I'm getting this heart back to him no matter what happens. And then I'm kissing that damn boy. Really hard. And you can't stop me."

She was still scrabbling backwards, but it was much slower than Cas walking. She made an attempt to stand but Cas was already on her and he kicked her back to the pavement. He didn't particularly want to kill her and besides he didn't really have the time to. "I'm not going to kill you, but if you touch him or Sam ever again, you will die. If you hurt anybody else and we hear about it, you will die. Do you understand?"

She nodded and Cas walked away, leaving her there on the pavement. He'd expected her to attack him from behind, he was in fact prepared for it, but she didn't. She let him go. Probably because he wasn't really worth all that effort.

Cas began to run. He didn't know how much time he had left. He didn't know if what he was going to try would even work but he figured the sooner he got there the better chance he would have. He called Sam as he was running.

"I've got it. Where are you?"

"Cas…"

"Where are you?"

"The same place you left us, but in the Impala. I couldn't really think of anywhere safe to go. Cas, please hurry, I don't think he's gonna last much longer."

"I'll be there soon." Then he hung up and focused on running.

He got to the Impala and flung the back door open. Dean was laid across the back seat and Cas crawled until he was sitting on top of Dean's waist so he had better access to his chest. Sam stared at Cas' newfound confidence, thinking that was something he definitely wouldn't have done earlier today. Cas bent down and gently opened the wound in the heart again, using his sleeve to staunch the bleeding. He placed the heart back in place, and gently connected every tube and vein and muscle back together until it was all back together again. Then he stroked the heart and it began beating. Cas hurriedly rushed to get the wound all sewn back together so Dean wouldn't wake up to look at his chest gaping open.

Dean's green eyes fluttered open to Cas sitting on his chest. He shuffled backwards, shoving Cas off of him and gazed at him wearily. "Did…what…how…oh Jesus fucking christ." And then Dean was blushing.

"What happened, Cas?" Sam asked.

"I think he's realizing what happened," Cas murmured, "It is his heart after all."

Dean laughed shakily and shook his head subtly at Cas. Cas laughed back at him and shook his head back, much more obviously.

"What the hell is happening?" Sam asked again, very confused.

Cas climbed back on top of Dean's chest to both Sam and Dean's surprise, but Cas assured himself there wasn't room to take any other approach. Dean was panicking and when Cas glanced over at Sam, he saw amusement in his eyes. "So, is it happening?" he whispered.

He moved until his face was inches from Dean's and whispered. "Anything you want to say to me, Dean?"

"Personal space?"

"Mmm…try harder," he murmured. He gathered up the remains of his courage and kissed one of Dean's freckles gently. Dean was having a very fierce internal struggle. Cas could see it in his eyes. Part of him wanted to wipe away an last remnants of that kiss and the other part of him wanted to ignore it and keep pretending. Neither was particularly what Cas wanted so he bent down again and kissed a freckle on the other cheek. Cas heard a car door slam. It nearly shattered his resolve but he kept looking into Dean's eyes.

Cas didn't know if it was the kisses or the fact the Sam had left the car that shattered his resolve to pretend for his entire life that he wasn't completely and totally in love with his best friend, but Dean sighed and whispered, "The best gesture of my brain is less than your eyelids' flutter which says we are for each other." Then he leaned up and brought his lips to Cas' softly and sweetly, as though he'd been planning this moment for years.

"And death I think is no parenthesis," Cas murmured, before leaning back in to get another taste of intoxication.


End file.
